Things That Never Happened
by sister socrates
Summary: Crackfic, AU. Francis and Gilbert are two average guys who like to place bets on their friends' sexualities. Ivan and Heracles are just trying to live their lives in peace. But, you know. That would be too easy.


**A/N: **_once upon a time, my best friend bagel and i were super creepy and wrote a story in our government class. that story was a story about some people. that we knew. in real life. and then proceeded to turn into a hetalia fic. because that's not weird._

**warning: **slash, crack, OOC-ness. a magical AU in which the nations live in tennessee. because i said so.

**disclaimer: **hetalia belongs to himaryua. any resemblances to events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. none of this actually happened. ever. i promise.

* * *

Of all the serious relationships in the world, theirs was the least serious. I mean, really. Two 'straight' men, both of which frequently enjoyed dressing up in wigs and costumes, that shared a secret romance. They called it a 'bromance'. But they weren't fooling anyone. Especially not when they looked at French handbags online. But who were these men? These "bromantic"... bros from the Filthy South, alternately known as the Bible Belt, a land where most mortal men fear to tread. And rightfully so.

One was called Ivan, the gayest "straight" man to ever exist. He aspired to become a youth minister, and appeared to be in love with a sixteen year old girl he met on the internet, which would have been cute, except he was twenty-one. Making it creepy. And illegal. But that didn't exactly matter, anyway, because if anything, she was nothing more than a poorly selected beard.

The other was called Heracles, a successful twenty-three-year-old Wal-Mart bakery employee who one got his kicks creeping, and leading on under-age women. Unfortunately for them, Heracles also acquired a beard, a fugly bitch named Kiku with an extremely elitist cousin named Colleen who is irrelevant to eveything.

Ivan and Heracles, they tried, they really did. But they just could not manage to hide their forbidden love from the nations that surrounded them. The urge to bro-five one another and trade smexy hats was too powerful, and when they came together at the terrifying Flood-_WORLD CONFERENCE_ of 2010, they embraced, professing their love for eachother. In secret, of course.

But then, they were seperated. By life, by sexuality, by... a few miles, probably, considering they both lived in Chattanooga. And the world wept. Would these two closet-dwelling men ever be together? Would Heracles dump his bitch of a boyfriend? Would Lassie ever save Timmy from the well?

Fortunately for Ivan and Heracles, their unrequited love was generally overlooked by most of the aforementioned nations. They were... kind of dense. And even though most of them were also gay, their gaydars must have been seriously damaged because no one actually seemed to catch on. However, this also could have been thanks to their amazingly talented beards, who threw everyone off track.

But there were two _manry men_ that saw past their gaydar shields. Francis and Gilbert were their names, and placing bets on their friend's sexuality was their game. They were awesome at telling who was and who wasn't straight. Kind of. Because there were those few people that you saw and were like, 'Gah. I just... I just don't even know...' But that was unavoidable when everyone at world conferences were all over eachother anyway.

And so, this dynamic duo had seen through their acts of 'straightness'. And they had placed a bet on whether or not Heracles and Ivan would end up living happily ever after. And now, a whopping fifty cents was on the line.

Little did these two dudes know that their favourite "straight" men_ were_ living happily ever after..._ in secret._

By the light of day, Ivan and Heracles lived the lives already spoken about. But by the cover of night, behind closed doors, they engaged in_ relations_ no one knew about. Now, all Francis and Gilbert had to do was expose them, as they had expected it all along.

The tip about the relations had come in late one night by an unknown caller ( cough,_ America_ ). Francis and Gilbert had just been standing around in Francis's house like douches, talking about milking tigers for their blood or what it was like to play Mario Cart with Russia or something completely retarded like that. And then the call came, alerting the two men of the totally ghey awesomeness that was at hand. They knew what they had to do; _Get. Pictures_.

Suddenly, totally legit James Bond music began to play. Francis and Gilbert ripped off their clothes, revealing that they were wearing black outfits like spys supposedly wear. It was SO super uncomfortable to wear an entire outfit under their clothes all the time, and people always said they were retarded for doing it, but it seemed that it had finally come in handy. And so, with the music still playing, (the sound was coming from Gilbert's pants, it would seem) the two rushed out to their Batmobile, and sped off into the night.

However, they had sort of forgotten that Chattanooga is about an hour away from Knoxvegas, and by the time the Batmobile was parked outside of Alfred's house, all hopes of getting pictures may as well have been forgotten. Francis swore under his breath upon this realization, but not much more could be done about the situation, so they just kind of sat. Like douches.

Actually, they looked more like creepers, parked in front of the house of someone they barely knew in the dead of night, but that was beyond the point.

While they sat, they pondered what to do next. And duing this pondering, an interesting problem arose. Why were Heracles and Ivan having _relations_ at _Alfred's_ house, of all places?

It was a good question, indeed. Why were they together? That question could only be answered through extremely diligent work and super secret spying. Or they could just ask, but that wouldn't be as exciting, and would pretty much just end the story right here, which would be so extremely lame, no one would ever want to hang out with Francis and Gilbert ever again. They wouldn't even want to hang out with themselves.

Francis and Gilbert, ever the action-y ones, agreed that they must track down Heracles and Ivan in an epic action-movie-way to interrogate them. But which one to follow? That was the million dollar question.

They could, of course, split up, but that would've been far too easy. So, they weighed the pros and cons of stalking each man, which was a fruitless effort because they did that anyway.

In the end, they flipped a coin. Heads for Ivan, tails for Heracles. It was the only logical way to make such a complex deciscion.

After a few moments of snickering, (hur hur. head for Russia) the coin was flipped. It fell to the ground and spun very slowly. You know, to create tension or whatever. Finally, it landed on tails. So Heracles it would be. Which was pretty awesome, because now they could beat up his boyfriend. It would be like Christmas to Francis and Gilbert.

With that decision made, they decided to park the Batmobile behind some hedges and get some shut-eye. It would make them far less conspicuous, and they had a big day of creeping ahead of them. There were just so many questions left unanswered, and following Heracles around all day probably wouldn't help much, but it did add substance to the story, so what the hell. It wasn't like Francis and Gilbert had anything better to do.

After a wonderful breakfast the next morning, paid for by Francis because Gilbert had 'forgotten' to bring money, the two were off. It was going to be hard to find Heracles in this big city. They would have to actually get out of the car and walk around. Gilbert was not looking forward to that. He threw a hissy fit. And in an episode that is totally irrevelant to everything else, Francis gave him a stern talking to.

After searching for several hours, they were exausted. And still hadn't found Heracles. That was when they had a wonderful idea, and it's name was The Yellow Pages.

So, they broke into someone's house and borrowed their phone book. Because using the internet service included on most cell phones nowadays was far too complicated for these simple-minded europeans.

Besides, breaking into a stranger's house was just so much more spy-like.

Once in possession of a phone book, Francis and Gilbert began rifling through the pages, trying to find the locations of surrounding Wal Marts. After this was accomplished, they tore out the page with those addresses, as well as the page with Heracles's address. And the page with Ivan's address, just to be on the safe side. One could never be too prepared. Or creepy.

Then suddenly, the dynamic duo got a phone call. It was Alfred. He informed Francis and Gilbert that he had been wrong about Ivan and Heracles.

"It was all dark inside my house, so...I just thought, you know. That it was Ivan and Heracles engaging in sweet, sweet baby making on my couch. But it was just Arthur and Ivan. Oopsie!"

And so, Ivan hooked up with Arthur and they had many babies. Gilbert was fifty cents richer.

_The End._


End file.
